When I was a child, my brother once asked me, “Who do you believe in the most?”
I answered straightaway, “You lo, mom also” and I thought he would praise me for my answer. “Why not in you, yourself?” His question made me think deeply. Yes, why didn’t I believe in myself the most, since all my homework was done by myself, rather than other people.
From that time, I became to trust myself the most, and through trusting in my own ability, I went to the university, I passed the interview and came to Singapore. When I started the course here, I still believed in myself and worked hard. As expected, I got a high mark in my GPA. But I was not satisfied and I could not find the reason.
During this time, we met our church mentors, who offered their love and care to each one of us passionately. But when they shared the gospel with us, I rejected it as I felt it was ridiculous to believe that some special spirit can heal a person. Although I read the Bible and agreed with many verses inside and I believed that doing good and loving people is correct, I just could not understand why I must believe in Jesus, then my sins can be forgiven and I can get eternal life. I never committed any crime and I did not think that I had any sin. A person can live till 80 years old and it is long enough already, why do I need to have an eternal life? I did not see a need to believe in Jesus since I myself can live a happy life and do the good deeds stated in the Bible.
With those thoughts in my mind, I continued to do everything on my own. But problems came out subsequently. I became addicted to watching TV dramas on the Internet. Whenever I was free, I would switch on my laptop and watch dramas. If it was a weekend, I would watch until the next morning. I just could not control myself. I felt meaningless doing other things, but I also could not find any satisfaction after watching so many dramas. My life was totally upside down. At that time, I could not find the meaning of life. I kept having questions in my mind, e.g. Why did I come so far here just to be separated from my family and to be so frustrated in life? What is the purpose of studying hard just to get an extra paper? What is the meaning of life, just to eat, drink and work? I complained, I cried, I tried different methods to make myself clear, but life remained the same. So there was a period of time that I didn’t want to talk to anyone and I was also not interested in doing anything. I was trapped in my own thoughts and couldn’t see any hope in the future.
But love is always something that will touch a person‘s heart. Looking back now, I am very grateful that God provide us so many kind-hearted mentors. It is like an old Chinese saying “日久见人心”, meaning: ‘you can see a person’s heart through time’. When our mentors treated us very nicely in the beginning, I thought they just want to persuade us to join them and become a Christian, so I kept a very clear boundary although I felt grateful to them. But one year passed, then two years, and their love and care for us never decreased. They treated us like their own daughters. I was really touched and slowly I began to join the Charis Bible study group, and I found that I was happy when we studied together and laughed together. I found the happiness that had disappeared for a long time. It was not only happiness; it was a kind of peace and joy.
Finally, I found the thing that I had been looking for all the time, it is God’s love. With His love, I can cast all my burdens on Him and do not need to worry. I can just be myself and He will put peace and joy in my heart. Then my life will be full of sunshine.
As a believer, I have learnt that we are free to do anything, but not to be a slave to anything. So I still watch TV series on the Internet, but I will sleep before midnight. I have learnt that we should live by faith, not by sight. Because we cannot see God’s whole plan, I will still trust him in difficult times. I have learnt that we can honour God through our daily life, so I want to honour God with my body by living a healthy lifestyle; and honour God with my work, by working hard to take care of my patients.
I want to thank God, our dear heavenly father, and I feel so blessed to be one of His children. I pray that more people can find God’s love in His time.