It was in my Catholic mission primary school where I first heard about Jesus. Existential questions simmered beneath. So in my lower secondary years, I superficially researched the general propositions of the major religions.
Meanwhile, I was told by classmates (who didn’t know better then) about a heaven-versus-hell retributive Christianity, which started a Pascal’s wager that landed me to choose to ‘go to church’. But I was faced with violent objection.
Disillusioned, I became a staunch anti-Christian polemic throughout my adolescence. I was also gripped by insecurity and depressiveness, and so escaped to addictions of various fancies, drifting in vulgarity and hypocrisy.
Publicly I was a pious atheist; inwardly, I wrestled to deny a God who has spoken through the ages. And there was the shame of sin. But cries and crises shattered barriers of conceit. And I conceded.
It took three years of church going before my flawed intellectual trellis was properly deconstructed, for God to rebuild it thereafter on the only foundation of truth.
But the whole time, Jesus was walking with me, patiently showing me little by little about Himself. Philosophical doubts chipped away. The gentle Spirit cracked the cold crust around my heart. At His time, the scales on my eyes fell, heart burned and I committed to Love. It was my Road to Emmaus.
The truth of the Gospel of Jesus Christ finally sank in. “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners – of whom I am the worst” (1 Tim 1:15). Indeed, I still know no worse sinner than I. Still, I learn that everyday. The journey thereafter was never easy. But especially in hardship, I saw God’s hand. Even to a meek whisper of faith, He responds with abundance of grace. Truism as it is, it is verily by His grace alone, not my ability, that I can arise each day to walk the path of destiny He has paved.
Here on, I know my goal to be simple: “To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God” (Micah 6:8). With me, this is impossible; with God, I know I shall be walking into eternity (Matthew 19:26).