It was 16 years ago at 3am when I received a call that changed our lives in my family. My nephew died in a car accident on Christmas eve when he was only 18. His passing broke my mind.

I became anxious whenever my phone rang. Then I was anxious whenever my siblings travelled interstate in Malaysia and whenever Steven, my husband needed to go out by public transport. I was afraid they would be killed in an accident.

My mother passed away on 13 Jan 2020. She was in a coma for 10 months, and day after day I was anxious about receiving the call on her passing. During that period, I would often wake up in the morning gripped with fear. These days I am doing a lot better as God’s Word has been a great refuge and calm to me day after day.

Jesus said, Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? (Matt 6:26).

I am not alone in my struggle with anxiety; God is with me in the midst of this fierce storm in my mind. I often feel so useless as a person, so pathetic to be so afraid of this and that. In my mind, there is always a dark figure around the corner with a knife, ready to stab me. And I was so afraid… every day.I imagine  myself  standing  before God with my anxiety and  He  says:  “Amy,  you are valuable to Me.   Look  at  the  birds  of  the  air:  they  neither  sow  nor  reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?”. Anxiety doesn’t make me a lesser person before God; I am a person of worth to God.

Jesus also said; “… your heavenly Father knows that you need them all” (Matt 6:32b). God knows my need better than me. God knew I was tired of fighting anxiety. He knew I was afraid to wake up in the morning because I was afraid of all the bad things that could happen.

I imagine God holding me tight in His embrace and saying, “I know, I know. I know you are afraid my child. I know.” My heavenly Father knows my need. And what I needed was to know with all my heart that He is with me when I am anxious. – In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul.    (Ps 94:19, NKJV)

I found delight in God through my journey with anxiety. And that is what I needed the most; delight in God. As  I experience delight in God, I imagine Him inviting me – Jesus said: … seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. (Matt 6:33)

I sought relief from my anxiety but Jesus invited me to something better and greater. He invited me to seek first His Kingdom.Now, often I find the brilliance of His Kingdom in my mind and in my emotions. As I learn to seek first the Kingdom of God; day by day, bit by bit, the grip of anxiety eases and I see the goodness and greatness of God at every corner awaiting to embrace me!

Through my struggle with anxiety, God brought me onto this journey to experience life and to live my life with Him in the Kingdom of God. Soli Deo Gloria!

By sister Amy Ong

“Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died. (John 11:21)​

It is almost a year now. ​

My brother Tony passed away suddenly on 31 Dec 2019. Maybe I wanted to say a thousand times what Martha said to the Lord. But I don’t recall saying much to God at the moment I read the message that “Tony has left us”. Maybe my sorrow told me no point. It is over; too late.​

Then as expected, my mother who had been in a coma for 10 months during that period, “followed” Tony two weeks later. They were each other’s best friend. At that point, I couldn’t think of anything useful, meaningful or logical that I could or would want to say to God.​

Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.” Martha answered, “I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day.” (John 11: 23-24)​

Like Martha, I knew that too. But what my mind knows, doesn’t mean my heart resonates. My sorrow then had no place for the truth and the promises of God.​

When Tony was a little boy, whenever he went out to play with his friends, my mother would made him bring me along; because he was my babysitter. I remember watching him play marbles with his friends often.​

I thought I could take care of him in his old age as he did for me when I was a little girl. But he didn’t get to see much of old age. He was only 64. He drove me around whenever I was back in Melaka. During my visits home, my mother would make him served me tea and he made the best tea! ​

I didn’t get to take care of him or serve him any tea. I was destined to be his little sister, and it was only for him to take care of me. Maybe he would have it no other way. ​

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?” “Yes, Lord,” she replied, “I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, who is to come into the world.” (John 11:25-27)​

Jesus asked Martha if she believed and she said, “Yes, Lord.” ​

I believe in the power of His resurrection to heal and restore my broken heart and to lift up my downcast spirit. Christ is our victorious and resurrected Lord Who will enable us to move on in life because He is the Giver of Life and Life itself. All that I need in life to move on is found in Him and Him alone.​

For I am sure that neither death nor life … nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Rom 8:38-39, ESV)​

I will and want to grieve for them as long as I live on this side of the world. Maybe that is how I think I can continue to love them now. But as I turn to Him, the wonder and splendour of His love will also fill my soul and spirit daily. Darkness cannot withstand Light. It will have to disperse.​

For us who have suffered the loss of someone dear to our heart – as we sorrow, turn to God. He is more than able to bear our grief and mend our sorrowful heart. Maranatha! ​

By sister Amy Ong​ (YCKC Bulletin 14/15 Nov 2020)

The seventy-two returned with joy and said, “Lord, even the demons submit to us in Your name.” Luke 10:17

The 72 were sent as lambs among wolves. They may have been expecting a life of persecution, failures and even death. So, they returned with joy when demons submitted to them – maybe they deemed this as an endorsement and affirmation for them and of their ministry.

Affirmation and endorsement are usually welcome – maybe they somewhat validate our calling and ability. And maybe sometimes we yearn to prove something not only to others but also to ourselves. Once I was struggling over wanting to achieve my fullest potential in my life. I battled frustration and restlessness, often feeling that something might be holding me back from reaching the best I could be. I wrestled with myself and with God much over this. Psychologist Abraham Maslow (1908-70) described such a state as the hierarchy of needs. And at the  top of this hierarchy is self-actualization. He defined self-actualization as achieving the fullest use of one’s talents and interests — the need “to become everything that one is capable of becoming.” (Wikipedia)

“Lord, even the demons submit to us in your name.” I wondered about the “to us” part, if their excitement and joy was just a little bit more about the point that the demons submitted to them. Did they feel this as an ultimate achievement as disciples of Christ? Am I restless and wanting to reach an “ultimate achievement”, whatever it is, in my life?

Jesus said to them: “I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven … However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven. (Luke 10:18-20)

When I read this, the scales fell off my eyes. I was reminded of the aspirations that were in Satan’s heart: … I will ascend … I will raise my throne … I will sit enthroned (Isaiah 14:12-15).

I convinced myself that I wanted to reach my fullest potential for the purpose of serving God. I sought God to set me free to achieve my fullest potential and to be what He intended me to be. But my aspiration was very subtle. I realised it was a little bit more about myself and my desire to reach the best of my abilities. It boils down to my desire to see my potential and achievement – how far and how good I can be in what I do. It was not so much for the Name of God that I was wrestling. It was about my name.

It is God who will bring all things to pass and to fruition. God has given me more than what I deserve and more than what success can give me. I am given the opportunity to see Him at work and not me at work, to be part of His Kingdom and not to build my own kingdom and to rejoice because my name is written in heaven and not because I have accomplished or achieved something.

God has indeed set me free – free from myself; my ambition and my desire to be an accomplished person. Now I don’t strive about reaching my fullest potential. He offers me much more than my fullest potential. He has written my name in heaven.

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which He has called you, the riches of His glorious inheritance in His holy people, and His incomparably great power for us who believe. (Ephesians 1:18-19a, NIV)

By Amy Ong, Pastoral Staff (YCKC Bulletin 8 December 2019)